


I Can Love You More Than This

by zaniamsextoy



Series: More Than This [1]
Category: One Direction
Genre: M/M, Trigger Warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2013-06-05
Packaged: 2017-12-14 02:17:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/831565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaniamsextoy/pseuds/zaniamsextoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A week before the infamous Vegas concert. Read at your own risk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Hero and His World

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! I posted this on Tumblr and Wattpad with positive feedback. It will be a chapter fanfiction explaining what happened between Liam and Zayn during their week in Vegas.

Vegas: the city of sin, neon lights and abundant riches. 

We are on our private jet watching the city come to life through the stream of white clouds.

Liam is holding my hand as I leaned towards the window, looking out to the amazing and beautiful scenery. This was our third time visiting and every time we fly above the city, it gets to me. How far we've come as men and artists. It seems much like a lifetime ago from X-Factor.

Starting off as a generic-washed-up-in-ten-years boy band and becoming one of the most popular groups in music. I never expected to get this far in my career, and to have found my soulmate. After all, what were the odds of killing to birds with one stone? 

Fame and love? 

It was too good to be true. 

“Li,” I said excitedly, glancing back at his smiling face, “come look. It’s beautiful.”

“Not as beautiful as your smile, Zee. I’m fine where I’m sitting. I could become blind today and be happy.” 

Liam's eyes sparkled. 

“What is one city when I’m holding the world in my hands?” He looked at our intertwined hands and smiled. “As long as I know I have you beside me when I fall asleep, nothing really matters.”

I leaned down to plant a soft kiss on his lips. “You spoil me, you know.”

Louis groaned. “Oi, you’re spoiling my appetite. Keep that mushy love stuff to yourself, yeah?”

Liam chuckled. “You’re one to talk, ‘ _Oh, Harry. Harry. Shit. Harder, Daddy. I need more. Ohhhhhhh_.’”

Louis blushed, hiding his face in Harry’s neck. “Babe, he’s making fun of me. Go kick his ass and restore your boyfriend’s honor.”

Harry kissed Louis’s hair. “Oh, Lou-bear. What honor? I took it the first time I fucked that fat ass.” He grinned. “You took my innocence so I had to take something back.”

“Too much information,” mumbled Niall, his mouth full of chips. “How would you guys like if I talked about having sex with women?”

We all shouted in unison. "No!"

“Vaginas are hell,” said Louis, rubbing his boyfriend's tummy while Harry whispered something into his ear. “I’m still  ashamed I had to come out of one. What happened to the stork dropping babies off on doorsteps?”

Niall chuckled. “Don’t cross it off if you haven’t even tried it.”

“Well same could be said for you.” Louis glanced a look at Harry, then to Niall. “Why don’t you visit me and Hazza at our suite tonight. We can give you some quick  _jobs_  to do.” 

They smiled. 

“Yeah, mate," said Harry. "Always looking for someone to take our relationship to the next level. Always fancied a threesome.”

“In your dreams, Stylinson!” squawked Niall. “We’re all supposed to be brothers! That is what the magazines label us. You guys all say, ‘ _Oh, yeah, we’re just like a family. They’re like my brothers!_ ’”

“We  _are_  family,” Liam said.

I cuddled to his side, hugging his waist. 

“And I suppose family members hump each other like rabbits?”

“Oi, mate. Haven’t you heard of incest?” grinned Harry.

The plane roared into laughter.

Niall blushed. “You lads are awful. I don’t know why I put up with you guys.”

“Because you love us,” I said, smiling. 

“Another point. How’d all that happen, eh?” 

“I say about the time you got turned on with listening to us have sex,” Louis chimed in. “That  _is_  the reason why you always room next to me and Hazza isn’t it? So you can join in by pulling out Sgt. Nialler and pretending that you’re beating me with that thing.”

Niall smiled. “Oi, you lads know me so well.”

All of a sudden, pillow flew across the plane smacking Niall right in the face. 

“I knew it! Pervert!" yelled Louis. “We have a pervert on board.”

Niall jumped out of his seat and landed on top of Louis and Harry. Louis screamed like a girl as Niall tickled the life out of him. Harry held his boyfriend’s wrists while Niall extracted his revenge. 

Louis laughed like a fiend; kicking and screaming like a madman. 

Liam ran his hand through my hair.

I looked into his soft brown eyes.

“What have we gotten ourselves into?” he smirked, caressing my cheek. 

I gazed deeply into his eyes and offered my answer. “Love.”

Liam smiled, leaning down and kissing me. “Exactly right,” he whispered against my lips. 

“Oi,” exclaimed Harry. “Look at the two lovebirds! GET THEM!”

Before they got to us, Liam stood up, blocking me from the attack from the boys. He looked back at me before they held him down and tickled him senseless. 

Kneeling down to his face, I planted a small kiss on his nose.

He laughed uncontrollably as Niall snuck his hands down his shirt and tickled under his arms. 

“My hero, I whispered.


	2. The Biggest Sin of All

Memories of the plane ride to Las Vegas seemed but a distant memory.

My chest heaved uncontrollably, my eyes were seconds from exploding and my hands wouldn’t stop from shaking. I locked myself in the bathroom rewinding the horrible disaster that happened moments ago. 

\------------------

The black stretched limo drove us to the hotel and the five of us stared awestruck at the flashing and livening city. 

We were given word from Paul to "momentarily separate(What he normally called our post break-up, due to Modest! rules)" as soon as we left the plane. 

“Now boys,” he continued. “Starting now I want you to act professionally. Harry and Louis, Liam and Zayn, in the limelight, you’re no longer together. Keep the sex comments, tender moments and touches for when you’re alone. I know you guys hate it but Modest needs all five of you to at least act like you’re attracted to girls. After all, majority make up your fan base and we’re not so sure how they would react if they found out that the boys of One Direction are gay.”

“Oi,” interrupted Niall. “If you haven’t already known, I’m not gay Paul.”

“Except for Ni,” he exhaled. “Of course. Just remember to control your urges. I know it must be hard but we have a reputation to uphold. When you look at the bigger picture, not only are your futures in jeopardy but so are the people who helped create this massive empire.”

“If you ask me I think Modest is being extremely uptight,” Louis added. “We aren't living in the eigtheenth century anymore. People changed. Society changed. And quite frankly, who cares if we are gay? I’m sure our fans will understand. And if some of them don’t then that’s there problem. I should be able to love who I want while doing what makes me happy.”

“Lou, I know. But life isn’t really that easy.”

“S’pose, you’re somewhat right," he sighed. "After all, if life  _was_  easy, then they would have to change its name to Celia Copperpot.”

“Why Celia Copperpot?” I wondered.

Even after Paul’s speech about being too overly affectionate, I still cuddled against Liam’s hard chest. I felt his heart beating and I smiled when his third leg stiffened when I moved around on his lap.

Liam rested his head against my back and breathed heavily. 

“She was the whore of my neighborhood. Sold her knickers to every guy in town and was the worst lay of my life.”

Harry pouted. 

“Biggest mistake of my life, Hazza,” Louis assured. 

I nodded, understanding. 

“Anyway," said Paul, "we’re minutes from the hotel. Zayn, off. Liam, think about dead kittens. We don’t want Liam Jr. making his grand appearance in this month’s tabloids." He rolled his eyes in Louis and Harry's direction. "And for the love of all things innocent, Lou, get your hand out of Styles’ jeans.”

Louis turned his head to Paul and smiled. “Didn’t think anyone could see.”

“Thankfully I didn’t. But Harry’s been moaning since we got in the limo.”

Louis raised both his hands in defense. “Fair enough."

Harry looked through his curls and whined. 

“Now, there’s going to be a hoard of paparazzi outside of the hotel. Just smile, wave and we’ll meet up in the penthouse suite. Understood?”

The five of us nodded in agreeance.

When we stepped out of the limo, the cameras went berserk and girls screamed loudly throughout the street.

I followed behind Niall, Liam in tow.

We smiled, waved and were thankful when we finally made it to the penthouse.

Paul opened the door. 

“Now, there are five master bedrooms, a lounge, kitchen, basically the works. Go get settled in and enjoy the rest of your night. And just a reminder, there’ll be a few interviews thrown here and there, through the week which'll lead to the concert on Friday. So enjoy your spare time and have fun.”

When Paul left, Louis brought out the liquor from the fridge. “What say we party our asses off, mates?”

Louis made each of us a cocktail that he called the devil’s juice because the liquid was bright red like blood. I took a sip and felt the sting in my throat as it slid down. 

Even Liam, who wasn’t much of a drinker took the cup from the counter and gulped. 

Niall raided the fridge. 

I sat on the sofa and Liam pulled me against his waist.

We drank in silence, exchanging touches to make up for the lack of communication.

Liam held one hand as the other one ran along his thigh. 

The night went on with Louis and Harry running around the lounge shirtless and Niall eating like there was no tomorrow. 

Out of the blue, there was a knock on the door.

At first, we mistook it for the thrumming of music but the taps began to increase and grow louder. 

“Liam, go get the door,” Louis shouted, running in circles while Harry chased him. 

Liam pulled me with him and opened the door. 

My blood boiled at the sight of our visitor. 

Danielle was dressed in a gray, leather pant and cheetah print top. She smiled at Liam and opened her arms. 

I held onto Liam’s hand but he pulled away, giving her a hug. 

“Dani,” said Liam. “What are you doing here?”

I stared at them in awestruck.

Danielle smirked, holding Liam too long for it to be appropriate. 

“I thought you said you ended it with her,”I said, dumbfounded. 

“Ended it?” she scoffed. “With me? We’ve been going strong since we got back together. I work a few gigs in town and this week is my birthday. It worked out perfectly because now I can spend more time with my Li-Li.” She glanced up at Liam. “And I thought you said you guys talked about everything? That’s what brother’s are for, right?”

“Brothers?” My mouth gaped. 

“Zayn, I---.”

But I hauled ass to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. 

What the fuck?

They were still together?

All the times when Liam said that he loved only me!

And that I was the only person in the world for him?

Liam lied to me!


	3. The Balcony

There are two things I regretted tonight: ever loving Liam and giving up smoking because Liam said it was unhealthy and he didn’t want me losing anymore seconds to cigarettes. He said that every stick takes away ten seconds of your life and he would be damned if he let the cigarettes steal time away from him. I had quit that same day because I wanted to spend forever and a day with him.

But now, all I could think of was smoking as much cigarettes as possible to get as far from Liam as possible.

And what was farther than the depths of hell?

My body convulsed on the bathroom floor as if I suffered from withdrawals. I barricaded myself from ever leaving the hotel again.

Granted, it was still dark out.

The noise died down, but Liam’s pleas for me to talk was only a buzz in my ear. 

How could I have been so dumb to believe that Liam, someone so perfect, someone who never had a boyfriend because he was straighter than the space needle, could ever love me? 

An imperfect confusion that would rather live in a fantasy world where someone pretended to love me then die perfectly rational to the notion that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. 

The floor was extremely cold.

I shivered from the touch, my fingers walking along the crevices in the tiles.

How could everything just fall apart in a matter of seconds?

From going completely blissful to wishing you were seconds away from death? 

There was a knock on the door. 

“Babe, please open the door,” said Liam, his voice cracking. “I’m sorry for not telling you the truth about Danielle, there just wasn’t a perfect time to tell you.”

I lifted my head from the floor, looking at the door.

“Oh yeah," I said sarcastically. "Why not tell me before you took my virginity, you dirty bastard? Before I devoted my life to spending every second with you? You took everything away from me," I cried. "My first kiss. The first guy I ever held hands with. Made love to. You promised me that if I gave you all of me,” my voice cracked, a few tears falling onto the floor, “ that you would never hurt me. You have Liam. More than you know! I trusted you and you betrayed me! I never want to see you, again!”

“But Zee, I love you,” Liam choked. “You don’t understand.”

“Just get out of here,” I said, my voice growing dead. I rested my head back to the cold surface. “We’re done. It’s over. I’m breaking up with you.”

Liam pounded on the door.

“Zee, no! Don’t say that,” he cried. “I love you so much. Don’t fucking say that! Zee!”

I didn’t respond.

To anything really.

I closed my eyes, drowning out Liam’s tears, and forced myself to sleep. 

 ---------------------

I woke up to the sound of someone tapping on the door.

I groaned as the sun filtered through the small window above the shower, and onto my face. I didn’t respond to Liam. It had to be him. Who else would it be?

“Zayn.”

It was Niall.

“Mate, open up. He’s gone. The lads and I made him rent another room. Come out. It’s time for breakfast.”

I groaned, again. “No.”

“I got a present for you though,” he said, happily. “I bought you a few packs of cigarettes from the mini mart downstairs.”

I don’t think I had moved faster in my entire life.

I swung the door open, and sure enough, Niall held out his hand with three packs of my favorite cigarettes.

I glanced in back of him, and Louis and Harry were already sitting at the table, eating breakfast. The smell of eggs and bacon circled the room.

“Thanks,” I said, going to lock myself in the bathroom. 

Niall held out his hand, stopping me.

“Why don’t you come eat breakfast with me and the lads? I know you don’t eat bacon, so I ordered you some chicken patties instead. Besides, I have your second present in my pocket.”

I looked back down at the cigarettes and realized something was missing. 

A lighter. 

Niall walked to the kitchen obviously proud of himself.

I shook my head, my quiff sinking against my forehead. 

“Glad you could join us,” said Louis. He sat next to Harry and I took the seat next to Niall. “And sorry about what happened last night, mate.”

I smiled weakly and took the plate Niall handed to me.

The food smelt good but my stomach was in distress at the thought of eating. 

Niall nudged my shoulder, smiling and used his fork to show me how to eat.

“I think he hasn’t forgotten to eat, mate,” said Harry, pushing his long curls to the side. 

They chuckled but I didn’t see the purpose. 

There was nothing to smile about.

Ever. 

Liam used me. In the worst way ever.

Maybe he started the relationship because he wasn’t getting enough attention from Danielle? It made sense since we were practically together twenty four seven, that Liam thought it ingenious to use me as his play thing. Even if he didn’t know I had a thing for him in the beginning. He was a boy with needs. There was bound to be a way he satisfied them.

And what’s better than using your best friend for sex? Knowing he couldn’t go to the tabloids to leak the story because it would jeopardize the very band he’s in? 

I pushed the food away from me and turned to Niall.

“Can I have the lighter, Ni? I’m not really that hungry.”

Niall looked at me, his mouth full of food, eyes glossy just like everyone else’s in the room. He swallowed his food and sighed. 

“Not unless you promise that the next time we eat, you’ll finish everything on your plate.”

I gave them another weak smile. “Sure.”

But I already knew that if I ate it, it would only be coming out again when I threw it up. My stomach felt like bubbling acid ready to explode. 

Niall handed me the lighter and rubbed his thumb against my palm. “Don’t do anything stupid, okay?”

I looked at him.

He looked like a little kid with his innocent blue eyes and soft complexion.

My heart hurt.

This wasn’t just affecting me. It was also affecting them.

Like we always used to say, we’re a family. 

And we still are. I just disowned one member. 

I walked to the balcony, already putting a stick between my teeth. I inhaled the nicotine and the smell is musty but sweet. I cupped the lighter in my hands and lit up. 

The first puff, I shook.

The smoke in my lungs gave me immense relief and I closed my eyes, taking in the sight and the caress of the wind through my hair. 

I forgot how much I missed smoking.

I took another breath when loud noises came from inside.

I glanced through the glass door and froze. 

Liam is running towards the balcony, Niall using all his might to stop him.

“Zayn,” he yelled, fighting to open the door.

Just then, Louis blocked the door and Harry helped Niall fight Liam away. 

I could see the tears in his eyes. The flush in his face. 

I looked away, took another long drag, flicked the stick to the ground and took a step closer to the edge of the balcony. 

“Let me go,” he bellowed. “I’ve got to talk to him!” 

My hands found the railing and I lifted myself up feeling the wind cause an unbalance to my weight. 

“Get him out of here or I swear I’m gonna jump.”

I glanced back to the glass door. 

Louis covered his mouth with his hands, Niall and Harry looked at me in shock, and Liam’s eyes bulged out of his head. 

He pounded on the glass, crying. “Zayn, stop it. Don’t fucking do it. Don’t you dare fucking do it!”

“Leave,” I said, monotone. 

Liam looked as if I punched him in the face. He cowered backwards, looking at me as if I was the traitor. 

He was the traitor. He was the liar. He was the reason for my death. 

Niall and Harry pushed Liam towards the door, Louis going through Liam’s pocket and grabbing his card key. 

“If you know what’s good for you, stay away from here,” said Louis, before they shut the door on him. 

I hopped down, taking a deep breath.

Placing another cigarette to my lips, I turned back around to the view and smoked. 


	4. 200 Apologies

I refused to go to the afternoon interview no matter how many times Paul begged me to shower, get dressed and meet them downstairs, I couldn’t bring myself to face Liam. I wasn’t sure how I was going to even be in this group anymore when just the sight of him would have me crying buckets.

It was only the second day in Las Vegas and already it felt like eons. I wanted to go back home to Bradford. To my family.

My mother especially, who would understand my pain, without needed answers, and hugging me until all the feelings coursing through my veins were drained, and I was back to normal.

But could I be normal after this? 

After my first boyfriend cheated on me?

The only person in the world who I planned to spend the rest of my life with me, was nothing more but a mistake? 

There was not much I could do but lie in bed. I had chain smoked the three packs of cigarettes in one sitting and felt the hoarse air in my lungs. The smell of nicotine was still on my fingers, on my tongue and on my clothes.

I reveled in the smoke of death. 

I texted Niall, asking if he could pick up a carton from the mart and I’d pay him back as soon as he got back upstairs.First, he texted me a sad face but when I didn’t respond, he called, asked if I was okay and promised to grab me the carton, no charge. 

I was eternally grateful to have such good friends. Brothers. 

While waiting for Niall, I stared at the wall in a daze until sleep finally consumed me. 

When I woke up, my head was in Louis’s lap, and Harry and Niall were near the foot of the bed.

I stared up into Louis’s eyes and gave him a weak smile. He continued to stroke my hair with both hands. 

“How’d you sleep?” he asked, smiling back. “We all chipped in to buy your cancer sticks. Don’t thank us. That’s like five hours of wasted life right there.”

“I’ll take my chances,” I said. “How was the interview?”

“Alright,” Louis said. “You know, the normal questions.  _‘What’s new with the band? What kind of music are we expecting next month? Who’s Larry Sylinson?’_  It all gets a bit boring answering the same questions all the time.” He looked to Harry. “I’m just waiting for one of the fans to ask who tops and bottoms in the band. That’ll be a laugh. Not what anyone will expect.”

“I’ve roomed next to you before,” I said. “Clearly, Harry’s the top."

“Wrong, mate.”

I chuckled. “You? I wouldn’t have guessed.”

“Two strikes,” gleamed Louis. 

“It’s a fifty-fifty chance Louis. It’s either you or Harry. Unless you both have an imaginary friend that sneaks throughout the hotel.”

Louis grinned, slyly. “We do. It’s Niall.”

“Say what?” mumbled Niall, looking at Harry then to Louis. “Stop joshing the poor lad. Zayn, they’re completely mental. I haven’t even had sex with them before.”

“But you want to.”

Niall blushed, automatically denying.

“Your charm doesn’t work on me, Tommo. I’m going to be the only one in the world who isn’t going to fall for your snarky charm or your bluntness so you can count me out.”

“Let the thought simmer a little bit and then let me know,” said Louis, still stroking my quiff back. It was nice and reminded me of when my mother would do the same to me and my sisters.

I embraced the touch, falling into it. 

“Piss off, mate,” Niall grinned. He stood up from the bed. “I’m gonna go order room service cause I’m starving. Pizza sound good?”

“Sounds good!” said Louis. 

“Extra cheese for me,” added Harry. 

“What kind do you want, mate?” Niall looked at me.

I shook my head.

“Uh, uh. You promised me that the next time we ate together, you’d eat everything from your plate. I’m not fond of promise breakers.”

Well, that made two of us . . .

“Veggie for me. Thanks Niall.”

“Don’t mention it,” he smiled his cheeky grin. “Anything for my baby.”

A pang hit the inside of my gut. That was something Liam always said. 

 _Anything for my baby_.

I tensed. 

Louis immediately feels the change. “What’s on your mind, Zayn?”

I looked back into his eyes. “Nothing, I’m fine.” 

Harry followed Niall back into the lounge and Louis stared down into my eyes.

I was so blessed to have such great friends.

We sat in silence for a moment just soaking up Louis’s brotherly affectio, and finding my heart beating to its normalcy. 

“I don’t know if you want to hear this or not but he wasn’t at the interview either.”

Louis’s words don’t register in my head until a few moments.

“Hm?”

“When he heard that you weren’t coming, he stormed away. I made Harry check to see if he went back to the suite, but he said he dropped Liam off at his room.”

“Probably out spending time with Danielle.” I tried sounding strong but when I said her name out loud, my voice folded. That name was going to be on my black list for the rest of eternity. “I don’t care what he does.”

But I still did.

Louis obviously wasn’t buying it either. 

“Zayn, I know that Liam lied to you about Danielle. Even we were caught off guard when she ended up stopping by the other night but maybe it’s not what you think? Liam has his reasons for doing what he does. After all, he is the Daddy Directioner. I don’t think he’d be doing anything stupid.”

“He already did,” and I drop the conversation.

It’s nighttime but the lights from outside are blinding as if the sun were still out. 

Louis’ phone rings. “You got Tommo.” 

“Lou,” the voice was weak, shaky.

I recognized it immediately. I glance up to Louis’s face.

“Lou, please. Give him the phone. I have to talk to him. I’ve been calling his phone and the suite phone all day.  _Please._ ”

I can hear the beg in his voice.

“I have to know that he’s alright.”

Louis looked down at me.

I violently shook my head.

Just the sound of his voice has my heart breaking norm. It was only a day and I already had a strong urge for his skin on mine. 

“He’s sleeping. Found him in bed when he got home.”

“Don’t lie,” Liam said, softly. “Harry and Niall stopped here to ask if I wanted pizza just a moment ago and said that you guys were just talking to him. Please, Lou. I’m begging you. Let me talk to him. I have to hear his voice.”

“Zayn, just say hello,” Louis said.

Again, I shook my head.

“He doesn’t want to, Liam. I’m sorry.”

And he hung up. 

Louis' phone rings again.

And again.

A third time.

Once more. 

Louis ended up turning it off. He kissed my forehead before he gets up.

“Call you when the food gets here.” He’s almost out when he turns around. “We were planning on going clubbing tomorrow night and just wanted to ask---.”

But the look on my face must have said it all. 

Louis rose his hands, defensively. “Just checking, mate. I love you.”

“Right back at ya’, Lou.”

He blew a kiss and closed the bedroom door behind him.

I don’t know what drives me to dig through my pant pocket lying on the floor but I grabbed it, turned it on and waited for the home screen.

What I see is unbearable. 

200 missed calls. 200 voicemails. 1 text message. 

My heart is breaking and melting at the same time. I can’t bear hearing Liam’s pleas or him saying that he misses me.

I opted to the text message instead. 

_I’m never going to stop loving you._

I threw my phone across the room and cried. 


	5. This Bed Will Be My Coffin

I can’t comprehend words, I can’t see anything further than my nose from all the swelling, and I can’t move a single inch if I wanted to. When Niall came into my bedroom, saying that the pizza was here, he caught me rolling in what looked like blood. In actuality, it was Louis’s devil’s drink I had consumed the other night, and now it stained my sheets. I didn’t complain when Niall screamed for the other boys, or that he carried me into the shower, or that he made it his personal duty to strip me naked and sponge me down in the bathtub. I just looked passed him. Passed the thick, white walls, the neon lights of Sin City, passed the gray clouds, passed space and time itself. Until, I stared at nothing. My face became a blank canvas. 

When Niall had finished showering me, he toweled me off, dressed me and laid me back into bed. Louis had changed the bedsheets while we were away; then, I could smell the pizza in the room when Harry brought in my plate, but I refused to eat it. 

I was just like Liam. A promise breaker. 

I wanted to apologize to Niall for lying to him, but no viable words escaped my lips. He cradled me into his side, and wiped away my messy hair from my forehead. 

“Oh, Zayn,” he said, softly. “What are we going to do with you? How are we going to make you normal, again.”

“You can’t,” my voice, hoarse, dry. “I’m nothing without him, Ni. Liam’s my life, and without him, I shall die.”

“Then, why don’t you hear what he has to say?” asked Niall, looking down into my eyes. “Maybe it’s not what you expect?”

I shook my head. 

“Because . . . he already made his choice. He chose to lie to me about Danielle. To play me like I was a game. He can win the round.” I scoffed. “Hell, he can win the match. I’m done. Just let me wither away.”

A tear fell on my cheek. I looked up, and saw Niall crying. He tried holding it back, but his face turned red, and his eyes had grown a leak. 

“Z-Z-Zayn,” he cried. “Don’t s-s-say t-that.”

Great. I was the asshole now. I didn’t want to be. 

I grabbed Niall’s head in my hands, and pulled him down, planting a warm kiss on his cheek. “I’m sorry, Niall. I’m just being stupid.”

“Never say that kind of stuff, again. Alright? The last thing I want to do is lose members of my family.”

I glanced into his blue seas. “I’m sorry,” I apologized, again. “Just, sleep with me tonight, yeah I don’t think I can be able to sleep by myself tonight. And it looks like neither can you.”

Niall sobbed, but nodded. He lifted the covers over the both of us, and pulled me against his chest. He was warm. His arm was strong around my stomach. 

It reminded me just like ---.

I squeezed my eyes shut, using all my strength not to vomit anymore. 

A while later, I could hear Niall snoring from behind me. I smiled, a feeling of comfort rushing through me as I joined him in slumber. 

Niall’s arm was still around me when I woke up. It was tighter. More protecting. He had stayed with me all night, and I smiled. 

I could feel the top of my shoulders glistening of sweat? I wasn’t sure because I was still shivering, and it looked like it was still nighttime outside, but I felt as if I had slept the entire day.  

I arch into the touch. Feeling different. 

Did Niall pop more muscles in his sleep? Get a little thicker, longer against my body? 

And then the smell. 

It didn’t smell like Irish fresh anymore but a potent, strong cologne I can only imagine coming off of one person. 

I tensed, feeling his arm grow around me tired. 

Then, I heard it. The crying. The moisture on the top of my shoulder. 

“Zayn.” And the voice has my heart on the floor, millions of bulls running over it in a stampede. At the same time, a feeling of butterflies, fluttering in my tummy. “Zayn, please. Please don’t tell me to leave. Not right now.”

Liam’s voice was worn out, withering. 

“I can’t sleep without you,” he cried. “I spent every night, staring at the ceiling, wondering how I could be so stupid to do this to you. Zayn, from the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry. I want to forget that this ever happened. I want us to be the old us.”

I don’t know what to say. I’m still taken aback that I don’t freak out yet. Tell him get out. Or jump out of his arms and punch him until all the anger in my body was drained away. I just lie there, tensed, wondering why my body suddenly felt like playing dead. 

“Zayn,” Liam sobbed. “C-can you please. I beg to all the stars in the sky. _Please_. Please forgive me.”

And there it is. 

“No,” I responded, completely dead. 

Liam’s embrace has grown stronger, and his crying has grown louder as he stifles his crying into the arch of my spine. His grasp is tight, strong. Like he knew that this was the last time I would ever let him touch me like this. That this was the last time we would ever be Ziam. That this was going to be the last moment between the both of us.

“Zayn,” cried Liam, “just look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t want to be with me anymore. Zayn,” his voice cracked, again, “turn around and look me in the eyes and say that you don’t love me.”

A tear fell down my cheek. I wiped it off as quick as I could. 

I shook my head. 

“Please, Zayn. Look at me. Zayn, I---I need to see your eyes.”

The bed shifts. Liam’s arms are gone. 

For a second, I think that he’s leaving. But then he turns me to my back and hovers above me like a rickety bridge. Liam shook as if he couldn’t support his own weight, when I knew for a fact he could have supported the entire band on his arms. 

Liam’s face is flushed, his eyes are red, his hair a mess and his skin sunken as if his entire being was caving in on himself. 

I can’t help but sob at the sight. I turn my face away from, crying. 

This was too much. I couldn’t control it. 

“Please, Zayn. Look into my eyes and tell me that you don’t want me anymore.” Liam’s quivering hand is reaching for my chin, and positions it back so I’m looking at him. 

I stare into his glossy, puppy dog eyes. Ones that I find hard to refuse. 

“You . . . lied to me, Liam.”

“I’m stupid, and I’m sorry. But I love you so fucking much, Zee. Please don’t do this.”

“I’m not doing anything,” I said, over the sobbing. “You did this to us. It’s over.”

And, again, Liam is crying. He had finally broken and fell onto me, his entire weight driving us more into the soft bed. The comforter is soaking up his tears, and I’m using my hands to wipe away my own. 

My heart is breaking into unfixable pieces. I can feel both out chests heaving together, our broken hearts, ticking down to an insubstantial level. This was the break up. This was it. 

I had lost my happily ever after. 

Liam had lost  _his_  happily ever after. 

We’re both crying. Finally, after what seems like hours, Liam’s face is against my neck. His breath hot. “Please, Zayn. I need this before I go. One last time before I live a miserable, and regretful life without having the most important person, the one I love most in the entire universe, with me, every time I go to sleep.” 

Liam’s hands are traveling towards my boxers. 

“Just do this for me, Zee. One last time and I’ll leave you alone forever. To take my last breath of air inside of you, and live my life without breathing. I need this.  _We_  need this. I’m begging you. Just let me have this one thing.”

Liam kissed the side of my neck, his saliva mixing in with his tears. I can still hear him crying against my hot flesh. 

I don’t know what’s taking over me. Maybe the fact that Liam is right. That we both need this. One last time before we are left with nothing. 

I fall into the kisses, the touches against my chest, over my tattoos, my waist, my arms. I take in all of Liam’s tender embraces, quite possibly making this bed, my final resting place.  


	6. Empty

It’s hard to grasp the concept of the world when Liam’s hovering above me, strong and statuesque. His lips are traveling down the length of my body, between my legs. He sheds my grey boxers in one swift moment and tugs my hardening shaft. Liam’s hands are strong, firm. Just the simple touch makes me want to explode. 

Liam hovers his lips above my thick head, his hot breath causing every inch of me to twitch. Starting from my balls, Liam licks up the length of my cock with his shy tongue, then, taking me into his steaming mouth. At first, Liam gags. After all, foreplay has always been reversed. I would always go down on Liam before he fucked me. This was the first time, ever, that Liam had me in his mouth. My hands curled up in the comforter, stopping myself, with great conviction, not to cum down his hot throat. I want to make this moment last. 

Our last moment. Together. Like this. 

My eyes cross, and fingers run through his hair. I buck myself into his touch, feeling Liam’s tight throat, wrap around my cock. For his first time, Liam knew what he was doing. Maybe because I taught him everything he knew, by practicing on him? I groan when Liam’s mouth is gone, but in a second, his tongue is tickling the underside of my cock head, and he’s looking at me with glossy eyes. From the tears or from the choking, I’m not sure. 

Liam crawls back over me, leaning down for a kiss. 

I turn my head before he does. 

“Babe, kiss me.”

I shake my head. “No, Liam. No kissing. It’s going to mean more than what this is. And calling me babe. Don’t. It hurts too much.”

Liam grabs my chin, bringing me back to his eyes. He’s leaning down, again, aside from my earlier words. He kisses me softly. 

And it hurts. 

I can’t stop myself from crying as he’s kissing my lips. First, slowly, tenderly. Then, rough. Then, quick, like we were going on stage, in front of millions of screaming fans, and it was a reassurance. 

Our good luck. 

He’s doing every single kiss we had in our relationship. The passionate kisses. The kisses we needed when we needed protection. The kisses he gave me before we went to sleep. The short, quick kisses he stole from me. The spontaneous kisses. The heated kisses. The kisses with his tongue in my mouth. 

Every kiss in the book. 

And I’m crying. He’s crying. 

Both his hands are on my face, using his elbows to keep himself leveled above me. Liam kissed me, as if it would ignite the switch in my brain, to forgive him, to forget that this every happened. The lying about Danielle. The betrayal. He kissed me as if I was going to tell him I loved him. And I did. I do. For the rest of my life. 

No matter what, I will never stop loving Liam.

He’s in my blood. My heart. And he’s like a tattoo.

He’ll never fade away. 

“Please,” Liam is whispering through the kisses. “Please come back to me.”

I roll Liam over on his back. Undoing the button of his jeans. I remain silent throughout the whole thing. 

Liam is already hard, and when I go to grab a condom from Harry and Louis’s room, he stops me. Saying that why do we need it. When we never needed one before. 

This time was different. This was going to be what it should be. 

A one night stand. With an ex. 

The pitiful one where both of them are vulnerable and Liam, and the only way to cure it, even for a short period of time, is to pretend like nothing is wrong.

When in reality, the whole world is crashing down around us. 

I don’t fight with Liam about the condom. I give him this. As a farewell gesture. 

A goodbye. Forever. In his favorite position. 

Liam is whimpering when I lower myself on his ten inches. I grind my hips slowly on top of him, my hands on his chest. Like the old times when we made love. 

Liam’s eyes are closed, unaware of what this truly was. 

This was me leaving. Me taking my last taste of what it felt like to be eternally happy with the man of my dreams. 

I tighten around him, trying to make this quick. Even when my own, emotions are playing against me. A part of me wants to take this out as long as we can, but the other part of me wants it to be over as quickly as possible, so Liam can finally leave, and I can begin living in misery. 

But Liam is rolling over, my back hitting the sheets. Liam spreads my legs wider, wrapping them around his waist. He’s looking at me with those brown eyes. The happy ones. The puppy eyed ones. 

I close my eyes, feeling as Liam’s bare meat is deep inside of me. Coping with the pain. The pressure of having something so big inside of me. Filling me up. 

Completing me. 

Liam’s lips are back on my neck. Feasting. His teeth graze against my sweating flesh, and Liam is lapping me up into his mouth. Then, they’re back on my lips. 

Biting. Tonguing. Trying to evoke movement. 

For a while, my tongue moves with him. Liam claws my abs and from natural inhibitions, my hands are against his back, clawing him. My fingers dig into his back, leaving marks, drawing spots of blood. 

Liam is moaning, resting his forehead against mine. 

“I’m so close, babe.”A large pang hits my chest, but I don’t reciprocate. “Cum with me.” 

Liam grabs my cock and starts jerking me off. I ride into the feeling as we both stutter and shake in each other’s arms. I can feel Liam shooting deep inside of me, and for the first time tonight, I whimper. 

I always love the feeling of Liam leaving a piece of him, inside of me. 

He falls back onto me, his weight driving our sweaty, hot flesh to be pressed together. 

“I love you so much, Zayn,” he pants out. 

I’m not looking at Liam or anything. Again, it’s nothing. 

My entire being is empty. As if I was a hollow corpse. 

“You got what you wanted,” I responded, voice completely dead. “Now, leave.”


	7. Stay

Liam hasn’t budged an inch. He stayed, sprawled over me, driving both of our sweaty bodies more into the mattress. Being so close to him, so intimate, I can hear the inside of his body: his lungs, taking in large gasps of my hair, his arms, shaking, taking in their last embrace, his heart, that will forever hold my own, beating rapidly, uncontrollably as if it was waning down to its last beats when life itself would end. 

I can hear Liam sobbing uncontrollably, although his face is stifled between the comforter and the side of my cheek. His tears fall onto my skin, the touch, burning as if his tears were made of acid. I hold back my own crying, using every cell in my body to remain dead. I don’t react to his touching, although my insides are going completely haywire. 

I stay still. Unmoving. Waiting for Liam to take in his last dose of me, and leave. 

“No,” he says continuously since I told him to leave. “I’m not leaving,” he cried. “I’m never going to leave you because you’re in here!” He drives his hand to his heart. “And I know I’m in yours, just please---,” he croaked. “Fucking please, Zayn. I’m begging you. Don’t do this. Don’t fucking do this.”

Again, silence. The tears lying on the border of my eyes start falling one tear at a time. I go to wipe them up but Liam pins both of my hands in his strong grip and looks me dead in the eyes, watching as my tears mixed in with his. 

“Don’t wipe them away,” he choked. “You don’t want me to leave. Your eyes are betraying you, your body. Just please,” he rested his forehead against mine, “please come back to me.” 

And he was right. I didn’t want him to leave. But how could I ever trust him, again? He lied to me about Danielle. How could he still be with her? And consider me a brother, like the rest of the boys, when he knew that we shared something more deeper. Something only two people in love could ever feel. 

“Tell me you love me, Zayn,” he cried, another line of tears ready to fall. His teeth are clenched, his nose flaring. I hate seeing Liam so sad. So broken. I close my eyes to avoid the sight. But they fly open when Liam is kissing me, again. He’s biting my lower lip, swiping his tongue in my mouth, evoking a response. 

“Go,” I breathe into his mouth, turning my head, stopping the kiss. “Leave me here to die.”

Liam’s eyes grow darker, sadder. “No fucking way,” he says, using all his strength in keeping me confined. My hands in his. My body below his. I can’t move an inch anywhere. 

“You don’t fucking mean it,” his voice is traced with anger. “You don’t want to fucking die. You want to be with me! I know you do!”

“I don’t,” I keep my voice monotone. “You killed me. I’m already dead.”

This has Liam sobbing buckets. His tears fall on my face like drops of rain. I avoid his intent glare on me, holding back my own tears, and praying that he took this for what it was. 

The end. 

I wonder why none of the boys have come in. Or stopped Liam from entering the suite. Where was Niall? How could I sleep in Niall’s arm and wake up in Liam’s? Did they plan to do this to me? A way for me and Liam to hash it out, and eventually mend our relationship. 

There was no relationship. The ship had hit an iceberg and drowned in the depths of the sea. This was the Titanic. 

And it left a titanic hole in my heart. 

Then I hear it. The front door of the suite opens, and in the background, Louis and Harry are giggling as if they’ve been drinking all night, followed by Niall’s laugh. 

Did they really go clubbing to leave me trapped in this room with Liam?

Wait. Louis said they were going clubbing tomorrow? 

Did I really sleep the entire day away? In Liam’s arms? 

How did he even get in here? The boys wouldn’t have betrayed me, and given Liam the card key to the suite, or tell him that they were going to be gone the entire night? 

It’s Niall. He knocks on my door. 

“Oi, are you still asleep, sleepyhead? You slept the whole night away and I didn’t want to wake you.”

“Please don’t answer, Zayn,” he whispers in my ear, sobbing. “I don’t want to leave. Just this one thing. And I’ll promise I’ll leave you alone forever.”

I glare into his melting, brown eyes. 

“That’s what you said about the sex,” I say, unattached to my body. “What more do you want?”

Liam stares me in the eyes, as if I already know the answer. 

I say nothing. 

A moment later Liam says, “you.” 

Niall has stopped knocking, and it seems like the boys are having more drinks in the kitchen. 

“Wake up my Zaynie, and tell him to have a drink with me!” echoed Louis. “We have to toast to tonight.”

“No, mate,” I hear Niall say over the noise. “Just let him rest until tomorrow morning. I’m sure he’s just recovering from what’s been going on.”

Recovering? That was the last thing I was doing.

If anything, I was doing the opposite of recovering. I was rapidly dying until my heart gave out. First, I said yes to Liam. For him to make love to me. Our last goodbye. And now, he wants to stay with me for the night as our last last goodbye? 

When was he going to get it through his head that enough was enough?

I already gave him my heart! He smashed it into dust! 

And as for my soul? He shredded it into pieces and left me empty!

I have nothing! I am what I always knew I would be!

Liam’s hands are loosening their grip from my wrists, and I push him off, standing up to take a shower. At first, Liam tries to restrain me again, to stop me from leaving, but when he sees me head for the bathroom, he hurls next to the headboard, his legs pressed against his chest, holding onto hope that I would return back to him. 

I eventually do. But not in the way he expects. 

I take the far left end of the bed and try to fall asleep. In a flash, Liam has me in his arms. I don’t put up a fight because my entire being is beyond drained. 

Liam’s cheek is wet when he places it against mine, wrapping his arms, so I’m pressed closer against his chest. 

And although I would regret saying this to anyone, I was glad he stayed. 


	8. Downfall

Liam woke me up early morning, before my alarm clock buzzed from the nightstand. His eyes were red and swollen, I’m thinking that it was a perfect reflection of my own. We both had cried ourselves to sleep last night. Ironically, it was the best sleep I had in Vegas. Besides the previous night when I slept the day away cradled in his arms. Whenever I sleep with Liam, it’s a good nights rest. But I keep that small fact to myself when he begs again for me to take him back. I tell him I can’t, and it’s like we’re back at square one, like the first time I woke up in his arms. 

Unwanted feelings are rushing through my system. Lust. Pleasure. And although I will take it to my grave, love. Liam doesn’t know when to stop because he’s just hurting both of us when he wants to make love to me. I know the reason he is asking for it is to use all his reinforcement to have me fall back into his arms. 

And no matter how much kisses he plants against my heated flesh, and the caresses across  my body and the taste of Liam in my mouth, I fight the urge to tell him how I feel. 

And thats that I love him. With every fiber in my being. 

I just . . . I just can’t look at him the same way. Even when my heart remembers how he was. The Liam I fell in love with. The one who hugged me when the press became too much to consume. When fame, fans and absence of family became too unbearable. Liam was always there. A hand when I needed one. A shoulder to cry on. 

My body ended up losing another battle when Liam carried me towards the tub in my bathroom, turned on the hot water and jumped in next to me. He pulled me towards him, my back against his chest. We are both naked. Vulnerable. And when my backside slides against his sex, I can feel it twitch, and Liam reacts with butterfly kisses on the nape of neck. 

I don’t know why I’m giving him this. Again. 

Maybe we’re just both fucked up? And like the unbearable pain it brings? 

I lean in towards the soft kisses, grinding myself against him. I can hear Liam panting behind me, Liam Jr. already solid as a rock. Liam strokes it across the crack of my ass, causing an embarrassing whimper escape from my mouth. I stop him before he penetrates me. He fights a little, thinking I was pulling back from him. From the sex. Until he realized my ulterior motive. If this was the last time for us. The truly last time. I wanted to savor the taste of Liam in my mouth. 

The water has yet to fill up completely, so when I turn my back away from Liam, I am faced with his ten inches sticking out from the water. Liam has a hand on himself, looking at me with dark, heavy lidded eyes. I push away his hand, and he lets go of his meat immediately. I sink lower, my ass rising into the air while I keep contact with him. 

Liam squirms from the anticipation, and I blow onto his mushroom head, his cock twitching uncontrollably. I can feel it pulsing frantically in my head. Slowly, I give his head small licks and Liam is clawing the porcelain tub, holding himself back from erupting. His hips are thrusting forward, wanting me to take him fully in the mouth. I try my best to control Liam in my hands, squeezing him harder to capture his attention. 

Liam exhales heavily, trying his best to remain still. Then when he does, I widen my lips, teasingly and with great conviction, swallowing all of him in my mouth until my nose is touching his pelvis and the water. He hisses through his teeth, and I can feel Liam already convulsing in my mouth. A few drops leak out, and I know Liam is withdrawing, trying to hold back his load for much longer. 

“Zayn,” he breathes out, his breath uncontrollable. “Come here.” He grabs me by my arms, pushing me up until my ass is hovering above his sex. 

I stare him dead in the eyes. “Last time,” I say, with no conviction. Because I don’t want this to be the last time. I want to be in his arms every day for the rest of my life. 

Liam stares into my eyes with all seriousness, not saying anything, but his eyes fighting to melt the ice I had surrounded around my heart for him. The tears start to border around his eyes, but before any of them fall over, I lower myself onto him, having him hissing between his gritted teeth, and the drops in his eyes soon disappearing. 

Liam reaches for my waist, but I grab his hands and hold them against his chest. I move on top of him, slowly, deliberately, knowing that this is the fastest way for Liam to cum. He bottles up all his energy, his need to touch me, to take control, and it heads between his legs, as I feel Liam using his hips to thrust into me harder. 

“Don’t move,” I whisper. “Don’t move or I’m gonna stop and we both won’t have our climax.” Liam stares at me darkly, but complies, with great difficulty. He keeps himself still as I begin my motions once more. 

Liam closes his eyes, fighting his urge to cum inside of me. I’m stretched beyond my limits, and I revel in the feeling of Liam for the last time. I feel his ten inches inside of me, the feel of his head banging against my sweet spot, I stifle my screams by biting into my white knuckles. 

Liam is moaning loudly, still not touching me. 

I can tell he’s almost ready to explode and I whimper for him to finally touch me. Liam does. Without holding anything back, he claws my back, pushing me deeper onto him, faster onto him. I wince and scream Liam’s name when he does it. 

Liam presses his lips against the upper half of my chest, and he’s panting inside of me, his eyes closed. He’s also screaming my name, making my entire body feel like butter. 

I sink my nose into the side of his neck, coping with the maximum pleasure that’s happening just below. I can’t hold it back. I can’t contain what comes out of me. 

“I love you, Liam.”

And that is my downfall. 

I hear Liam screaming my name as he finally climaxes at the mention of my love for him. I can feel the ropes of hot cum shut far inside of me, filling me as it never had before. He’s unloading what feels like buckets of his man juice inside of me, and I drink it all up, clenching my teeth into his shoulder as I hold back my pathetic whine for more. 

“I love you, Liam James Payne,” I whisper, not realizing that I was confessing my love for him. “I’m never going to stop loving you,” I finally say. The exact words he texted me a few days ago. 

When I open my eyes to Liam gleaming, the biggest smile on his face, my stomach flips. 

What did I just say? Oh no! I just didn’t tell him I loved him? I just didn’t give him hope for a future! Suddenly, I feel like I’m about to throw up. And before Liam has time to react, I stand up, feeling his cum still inside of me as I run out of the bathroom, out of my room and to the room across the lounge. 

I burst into the door, crying. “GET HIM OUT NOW!  _PLEASE!_ ”


	9. Knockout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourself.

The entire suite has become chaos. After rushing to Niall’s room stark naked, Liam came in seconds after with a towel around his waist. My sobbing had woken up Louis and Harry; they stood outside of the doorway, watching me, in all vulnerability, cry myself to aching results. The pleasure that swept through my body, Liam’s marks on my backs, I can feel the pain, pouring down on me, tenfolds. My face is in my hands, and I am in Niall’s arms. He’s holding me, completely still, looking at Liam with his agonizingly hurt, blue eyes. No one says anything, and I can feel Liam coming closer, see his feet come into my peripheral vision. 

“GET HIM OUT!” I bellowed, shoving my soaked face into the nook of Niall’s shoulder. Louis has taken action, swiping the blanket from the bed, covering it over me, and with help from Niall, carrying my fragile, limp body onto the mattress. Louis is standing in front of me like a lioness guarding her cub. Niall is permanently linked to me, as I’m scared to let him go. To be in the arms of someone else . . . Harry is tapping Liam’s shoulder, tapping him to leave, but Liam is unresponsive. Mute. He is staring daggers into me, looking as if I was completely mental. 

I can see the rage in his eyes. The hurt. The agony. His body is heaving as if he’s about to chemically combust with all the blood coursing through his veins. His veins are popping from his forehead, arms, neck . . . He is the embodiment of anger, and I can feel it stifling the air. I push my face farther into Niall’s shoulder, smelling what I could only describe as morning skin. I try my best not to vomit all over him. Niall wraps his arms around my bare body, holding me closer against him like a child. He embraces me tightly. Brotherly. 

Niall swipes my quiff from my forehead and planting a kiss to my flushed skin. “Calm down, Zee. Everything’s going to be okay.” And then he’s looking at Liam. “You, mate. Out. Now. Can’t you see what you’re doing to him? You’re killing him, Liam!”

“NO! I WILL NOT LEAVE!” yelled Liam, brushing off Harry’s hand from his shoulder. “I LOVE ZAYN AND ZAYN LOVES ME! I AM NOT LEAVING! HE IS MY HOME.”

“Then why I reckon are you planning on moving in with Danielle then, mate,” replies Louis, looking at Liam fiercely. “Harry let it slip that you were moving in with her after the tour was over. What about that?”

My heart drops, and the bile rises up my throat, but I gag it back down, Niall running his hand through my hair. Not only is he still dating Danielle, but now he’s planning on moving in with her? How blind and stupid could I be?! Liam’s a complete and utter bastard. My tears are turning, changing. They’re still tears, but they’re not sad tears. They’re blistering, steaming, hateful tears. I turn my head menacingly in Liam’s direction and look at him with scorching eyes that I hope would burn him into ash. 

Liam looks like he’s retreating. Whether from the final confession or my gaze. Maybe both. But I rise, suddenly, stalking over to Liam, staring him deeply into his eyes. 

“Is it true, Liam,” my voice shakes. I feel Louis grab my hand but I brush it off. “Are you and Danielle moving in together?” Liam doesn’t respond. “I asked you a question,” I say through gritted teeth. Are you. And Danielle. Moving In. Together?” I can’t contain my building fury. Has our entire relationship been a lie? A tactic to satisfy his sexual impulses while he was away from his girlfriend? The only person he did love in the entire world? Just imagining Liam never loving me is torture. I try not to dwell on it because that would make me the fool. But the constant presence of the thought chews at my intestines like disease. 

“ANSWER ME, LIAM!”

A small sound escapes from his lips. Like a squeak. “Yes.” He has said yes. Yes to all the questions running through my head. 

Did he lie that he loved me? Yes.

Did he use me just for the sex? Yes.

Did he lie about spending forever with me? Yes.

Do I feel like running to the balcony and jumping off? Absofuckinglutely. 

After the wave of questions, tears start pouring down like wildfire, and my body is shaking uncontrollably. I look at my trembling hands, feel the impurity of our love making---of our fucking oozing inside of me and all I see is red. I ball my hand into a fist and with full force, punch Liam in the gut. He doesn’t cower away like the true coward he is. He repeats my name in whispers to calm me down but I’m too far gone. I hit him again. He soaks up the blow. Again. His body heaves into itself. Again. Liam starts retreating. But I follow him, punching in the exact spot over and over again until I see the large purple bruise on his ribs, and my knuckles are bleeding. I don’t feel the pain, I’m too built up on anger. 

When Niall puts his hand on my shoulder, I know it’s his because my entire body is in tune to his reaction. I do something Liam would do. I spite him. I turn around, grabbing Niall’s reddening cheeks and kiss him on his full lips. At first, soft and quick. And when he doesn’t pull away, he’s in a matter of shock at this point, I pour all my hatred for Liam in an open mouth kiss. I bite him, swipe my tongue around his mouth, feeding on the copper taste of blood.  

Kissing Niall is different from kissing Liam. Liam has a more distinctive taste. A sweeter taste like candy. Niall, on the other hand, taste like a tangy orange, but maybe that’s because he hasn’t brushed his teeth yet. I pull away from Niall, looking down into his confused eyes and feeling Liam’s rage-filled ones on me. 

Liam growls loudly like a ravenous wolf. He bolts for an attack when Harry wraps both arms around him, keeping him restrained. Menacingly, I walk back to Liam’s flailing limbs and he looks at me as if I just stabbed him in the heart. 

“How does that make you feel?” I say darkly. 

“LIKE SHIT!” he bellows. “THOSE LIPS ARE MINE! NOBODY ELSES! YOU’RE MINE ZAYN!” And I can sense the sobbing in his screams. “YOU’RE MINE AND I’M---I’M FUCKING SORRY!” He drops to his knees, his face caving into the carpet close to my feet. When he goes to reach for me, I move. Liam looks beyond broken. 

A perfect reflection of me. 

“I’M SORRY FOR LYING TO YOU! FOR NOT TELLING YOU THAT ME AND DANIELLE WERE STILL TOGETHER AND THAT WE PLANNED ON BUYING A FLAT! I’M SO FUCKING SORRY! IT JUST ALL HAPPENED SO FAST, THE THING WE HAD TOGETHER. IT JUST TOOK ME BY SURPRISE.”

“Took you by surprise?” I scoff. “YOU WERE THE ONE WHO KISSED ME YOU ASSHOLE!” I can feel it before I see it. The tears continuing to rain down. “I KEPT MY FEELINGS FROM YOU BECAUSE I KNEW HOW HAPPY DANIELLE MADE YOU, AND I WOULD BE DAMNED IF I WOULD BECOME A HOMEWRECKER! I USED EVERY OUNCE OF MY SELF CONTROL TO STAY AWAY FROM YOU, TO MAKE YOU HAVE THE LIFE YOU WANTED AND DESERVED. BUT THEN YOU KISSED ME. BACKSTAGE. AND I THOUGHT FOR MAYBE A SECOND THAT YOU LOVED ME. BUT YOU DIDN’T! YOU NEVER DID!”

“I FUCKING LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD!”

“THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US!” I screamed, having Louis hold me back from going psycho on Liam’s other rib. 

“Because,” his voice calms. “Because she’s pregnant.”

And it’s as if Liam has punched me square in the face, and just like that, I knockout into complete and utter darkness. 


	10. A Distant Memory

The London sky was clear as the sun appeared through the distant horizon. I stood next to the ceiling high window, looking out onto a brand new morning. I hear movement from behind me, but I don’t move around. I know who it is. And a small smile pulls at the edges of my lips. His arms embrace me in a tight hug. He sinks his sharp chin onto my shoulder and we gaze outside the window, into the coming morning.

“Good morning, beautiful,” Liam says, planting soft kisses against the nape of my neck. A bombarding well of emotion warms my body as I fall into his touch. We were finally together. We finally . . . made love. I can perfectly recall the way he made me feel last night. 

Liam was nervous, confused and simply adorable. He fumbled with our clothes, looking at me with those soft brown, puppy eyes. I shouldn’t have laughed at his cute expression, but it did heat up the moment more when Liam licked the borders of my lips with his tongue before plunging into my mouth where it visited a friend. 

After all this time of waiting for the perfect moment, for Liam to be single and interested. I still couldn’t believe he kissed me backstage at our last concert. It was a shock apart from every feeling in the book. I thought I was the only one who reciprocated the feelings of something more than friendship, a different kind of love. He wanted me as much as I wanted him. And he proved just how much last night when he took my innocence. And I was glad to give it to him. I would have wanted no one else but him. 

I can still feel his scratches on my back and thighs as he spread me open. I savor the feeling of Liam filling me and the sweet taste of his mouth. I always daydreamed of how it would feel to finally make love to Liam, and it was beyond comprehension. 

Last night was, and will be the best day---well, night, of my life. 

Liam cradles me against himself and I can feel his flesh, even while I wore a white bathrobe. He smirked as if he could read my mind. Liam moves his hips provocatively against my back, and I undo in his kisses. His hand moves up to the string of my robe, and he slides it off in one swift succession. He pulls the fabric off my shoulder and it drops to the ground, giving London an intimate peep show. It feels erotic, with the chance of people watching, but Liam just kicks my legs further apart, and tells me to place my hands against the glass. 

I do what he says, my eyes closed, my entire body filling with immense heat. Liam places his sex against my ass, and I still don’t understand the concept of how he fit inside of me. Sure I always imagined having sex with him, when we undressed in the dressing room and seeing the outline in his boxers, but I never understood the pressure---the pleasure it truly brings until feeling it inside of me for the first time. 

Liam rakes his palm against my back collecting the sweat and using it for lubrication. Just the thought of it has me ready to burst at the seams. He places himself at my entrance, and I tighten. Liam leans down to me. 

“Hey, hey, hey,” he whispers. “You tighten after I’m in. Just relax, babe. I’m going to make you feel good. So good.” And just his voice relaxes my muscles in my shoulders, as it does everywhere else. I should have known when I did that Liam would slyly slide in. He does and he moans against my ear, looking at the sunrise with heavy lidded eyes. 

I gasp at the intrusion and tighten around him. Is it supposed to feel this . . . amazing? I always thought it would hurt, but with Liam, I never felt any pain. Maybe because he knew what to say, and how to enter, without it being a burden. 

Liam is quickening his pace. And we look at the graying horizon. 

“It’s so beautiful, Liam.” I say, my eyes scrunching. 

“You are baby. Touch yourself to the movements of my thrusts. Lets come together.” I do what he says and grab myself with my left hand. My head is smacking the glass as I use one hand to support myself from falling over. I feel the rush sweep through me. I pump with Liam’s thrust. 

Thrust. Pump. Thrust. Pump.

It feels so good. 

“Just like that baby. Now scream my name. Tell all of London who you belong to. I want you to scream it while I fill you up.”

I undo in his arms and scream Liam’s name from the top of my lungs. 

*****

I wake up screaming that fuckers name and when the light dims, I notice I’m not in Niall’s bedroom or anywhere I have been before. The room is deathly white, noisy and housing both Niall and Louis who sat on either side of me. Louis rubs my sweaty forehead with his hands, looking at me with complacent eyes. Niall has one of my hand in both of his, and I shake my head, taking in the environment and wondering how I got here. 

And as if Louis could hear my thoughts he says, “You passed out and I called Paul. He didn’t want media having a field day so he booked us a van and we brought you here through the back entrance. The tubes are filled with nutrition,” he says as I look at the tubes invading my system. “You were malnourished, that’s why you passed out from yelling. I don’t remember you eating anything since our flight here.”

Niall sobbed. “I should have watched you better. Should have spoon fed you myself.”

My hand reaches out for Niall’s cheek and I wipe away his tears. He has always been the little brother of the group. I hate to see him cry. “It’s not your fault, Ni. It’s---,” but I feel bile rise through my system and Louis pulls the trash bin from the ground, and to my mouth. 

I puke. My love, perhaps? The unknown amount of semen Liam left inside of me?

Who knows? 

Maybe it’s the shocking surprise that that bastard got the bitch pregnant. I vomit my guts at the thought. I can’t control it. Both Niall and Louis are rubbing my back soothingly. 

“It’s going to be okay, Zayn,” says Louis reassuringly. 

“We’ll find a way to get through this,” Niall agrees. 

But at this point, the only way out . . . was the ONLY way out. What was life if I couldn’t spend it forever with Liam? How can I ever recover from the slice he made to my heart, at first from his betrayal and now this? Danielle pregnant! How can I compete with her when she can give Liam a child, that I myself can never do, even with all the money and connections in the world. She can give Liam things I can’t. She can give him a happy life without people judging or calling him names. She can give him children. She can give him everything because for the longest time, I’ve been living in an illusion that I could offer Liam something far greater than she ever could, but now that I realize it, puking my heart out into a trash bin, I could never give him anything because I have nothing.

I’m incompetent. And will never be good enough for him. 


	11. The Concert

Liam is still fighting to talk to me. To sort this entire ordeal. But my bodyguards. Niall and Louis are keeping him at a good enough length where I don’t always feel like my skin is on fire. I don’t know if I can do this. But Paul has his hands tied and forces me through the backstage door, pass the sound system and into the blaring noise of thousands of screaming fans. I harden my face, not to give anything away. 

And the light of fame consumes me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go and watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=xrybYAC1QBM before continuing. It's the Vegas concert.


	12. Backstage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The epic conclusion.

I am trapped in the spare closet backstage with Liam’s firm grip holding onto both of my wrist, his long, hard body pressed against mine. He’s trying to stare at me square in the eyes, but I look alway, fighting out of his grasp and call for help. Liam’s breathing is heavy, and hot. I can’t look him in the eyes. I can’t. He lied to me. He used me. He wants Danielle. Not me. I try kicking him away, but then Liam presses his legs towards mine, pining them against the wall, leaving me completely and utterly defenseless. 

The boys are pounding on the door yelling for Liam to open it, but it’s all wasted in vain. The closet is triple bolted, that even if the janitor were to open the first lock, it still wouldn’t budge because Liam has the door chained. I’m suffocating being near him, and blind from all the misty tears that are stuck in my eyes. 

“LOOK AT ME!” Liam yells, trying his hardest to capture my attention. But I can’t stop squirming, fighting to get myself out of his grasp. “JUST FUCKING LOOK AT ME, ZAYN!”

My chest is heaving in and my breath is hitching in my breath. I feel like I’m about to pass out. Liam knows that if he lets go of my wrist I’ll fight him off, so he can’t use his grasp to take hold of my face. Liam finds a way . . . He always finds a way. His forehead is tightly pressed against my own and Liam’s ragged breathing is brushing against my quivering lips. 

“Look at me,” he says calmer, more gently. “Please.” And I can hear his voice crack on that plea. “Zayn, I’m so fucking stupid. I don’t know what to fucking do anymore. I can’t leave Danielle. And I can never leave you because you’ve taken full residency in my heart. I love you so fucking much. And only you. Sure me and Danielle had---well have a thing because she’s pregnant, but my heart is yours, Zayn. I love you. Please look at me.”

I don’t. He’s just speaking sweet nothings. His words are empty. Just like me. 

I can hear the hectic voices of the boys and Paul’s screams coming from the other side of the door. My eyes remain guarded, but my breathing has been slowly bringing itself under control since being manhandled in here. Liam made his choice. And I am fi---.

I’m go---.

I’m alr---.

I’m still . . . not good enough. 

My body goes limp in Liam’s arms and he takes notice. He doesn’t release me right away, but eventually he places my arms to my sides and places one hand on the wall behind me and the next grabs my chin, bringing me to his eyes. I can’t see him because I refuse to look at him. 

Liam’s breath is calming but it hitches in his throat. And then I know why when he finally plants a small kiss on my lips, rubbing his thumb across my chin. “Please open your eyes, Zayn. Give me this one last thing.”

“I’ve given you all of me,” I say, my voice gone completely desertlike. “I am nothing. Not good enough. I’m incompetent.”

Liam shushes me softly. “Hey, you are everything to me.”

“Not good enough,” I let out again. “Broken. Heartless. Not good enough,” I say again. All these things are true. It just took me till now to actually realize it. “You deserve Danielle,” I try to hold back the sob. “She can give you things I can’t.”

“Oh babe don’t say that,” Liam cries. “All I want is you. You’re all I ever wanted. You are all I need. Just please open your eyes and look at me.”

My eyes blink open and Liam’s face is a soft red, losing color. I glance into his eyes. They’re red and swelling too. I can see the hurt in his eyes. The anguish. But I put on a straight face and tell him again. “I’m not good enough for you,” I say looking at his heartbroken eyes. “I will never be good enough because Danielle can give you things that I can’t. You’ll be much happier with her. You don’t have to hide her from your family. You don’t have to hide the way you feel about her to the press . . . She can give you a child, Liam. And I can’t. She can give you the perfect life that you always dreamed of. We let this go on far too long. It was only a matter of time before this would have ended. And I’m not angry about it.” I am a little. Okay, maybe a lot. “You deserve each other, Liam. And I was just blocking you from your happiness. I’m sorry.”

Liam leans down towards my lips.

I hold my finger against them, feeling the velvet soft texture of his perfect lips. I’m going to miss them. I’m going to miss him. 

I shake my head slowly. “It’ll only hurt the both of us in the long run.” I move my hand to his cheek, and Liam falls into the embrace, looking me in the eyes like a lost puppy. “I’m sorry for keeping you from your happily ever after Liam. It won’t happen again.”

My hand falls and I turn my back on him heading for the door. 

“Za---,” he loses his breath. 

“Goodbye Liam. I’m going to miss you.” My voice gives out when I say ‘miss’. Cause I will miss Liam. More than words can ever explain. 

My hand reaches for the locks on the door. 

“Zayn . . . I can love you more than this. Please give me another chance to show you.”

My head falls, stopping the heavy flow of tears. I don’t make a sound to show him that I’m crying. “Bye.” 

And I’m out the door, being bombarded by the boys. I walk pass them with my hands in my pockets. But not before I hear the ruckus in back of me. The loud pounding on the wall. The crashing of shelves filled with bleach and floor cleaner. The screams from the other boys. I block them from my ears, walking towards the back entrance, really itching for a smoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote a sequel to this. If there's enough requests, I'll post it ;) mwahahaha


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